Why befriend our inner critic? This often unhelpful aspect of our inner world represents a sequence of patterns in our brain associated with threat response. Fighting or trying to block out our inner critic reinforces the negative feelings because it triggers the same threat response system once again, keeping us in a cycle of fear and self criticism. Our inner critic is often like the child who doesn’t know how to navigate their emotions or how tell their caregiver what need they have, so their frustration is expressed through a tantrum. When we choose instead to relate to our self critic with compassion we interrupt the threat response, allowing more space for feelings of calm and wellbeing.
Often the first step for those of us on a journey of healing from
Often our first instinct as we start to become aware of this inner voice and see how it is holding us back from our goals to repair our relationship with our body is to find a way to fight it, or shut it down. Many of us have not had the experience of learning to be with our emotions, especially those that are particularly strong, or that we perceive as negative or scary. But turning away means we miss an opportunity to learn from the emotions or patterns that are presenting themselves, leaving whatever conflict we are experiencing unresolved.
We may get a temporary reprieve from the negative emotions by turning away from our inner critic, but the unacknowledged negative feeling that the inner critic was attempting to express does not stay away for long, often returning with even more force in the hopes that finally, we will turn into and acknowledge what is going on for us. By befriending our inner critic we have an opportunity to show ourselves compassion and find out what unmet needs we have that are behind the negative inner self talk.
What does befriending our Inner Critic look like? How do we do it? The first step is to develop a comfort in being the presence of our inner critic, to lean into, instead of backing away. To try and understand what is underneath the harsh things we say to ourselves. Here is an exercise that can help you develop that comfort.
Note – This exercise will ask you connect with your Compassionate Self. It may be helpful before you do this exercise to spend some time thinking about and identifying aspects of yourself that reflect your ability to feel compassion. You might identify patience, kindness, strength, warmth. Develop your own list.
Inner Critic Exercise*
1) Relax and become fully present in your body~Sit comfortably in a space where you will be free of distractions
~Close your eyes or soften your gaze
~ Bring your attention to your breath and intentionally slow it down
Spend some time just following the path of your breath in and out of your body
~Invite your incoming breath to reach your diaphragm
~Let your body relax into the breath. Intentionally relax your shoulders and your jaw.
~ Find a rhythm of breath that is soothing to you. It may be helpful to breathe in for a count of three and breath out for a count of six. Find what works for you.
2) Connect with your Inner Critic~When you are feeling relaxed and fully present in your body, think about a time when you were
~Bring an image of your
3) Connect with your Compassionate Self~Consider the compassionate qualities that you hold – qualities like kindness, warm, patience. From the perspective of your compassionate self, allow yourself to experience compassion for your self-critic.
~Notice how intentionally choosing to feel compassion feels in your body.
4) Dig Deeper - Open to Understanding~Open yourself to understanding what lies behind the actions of the inner critic, consider what the inner critic (therefore your) needs are. Experience a connection with your inner critic.
~You may choose to name your inner critic – it can be anything that is evocative to you of how you experience your inner critic (such as Critic, Judge, Bully, Fear)
5) Offer compassion to your Inner Critic~With a warm tone, offer your inner critic expression of compassions. An example could be: May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free of suffering
~Imagine compassion flowing from you to your inner critic
6) Thank and Release your Inner Critic~Offer gratitude to this aspect of yourself, your Inner Critic.
~Set an intention to be open to understanding what unmet need is being expressed when the Inner Critic is heard.
~ Allow the image of your Inner Critic to fade
7) Grounding and Integration~Connect with you’re breath and once again become fully present in your body.
~Think about how you might address any unmet needs expressed by the Inner Critic.
Thank you for reading!
*This exercise was adapated from an excercise in Compassion Focussed Therapy for Dummies by Mary Welford