Photographs….Eeep! Like many women, photographs of myself have caused deep anxiety. At times over the years, seeing pictures of myself has been painful.
Devastating even. This is something I’ve inherited from my mother (and then deeply reinforced by the Diet Culture). All my life I heard my mom cringe and sigh at any photos taken, bemoaning her fat body or her double chin. At these times, mom would wistfully tell me that when she was young, she was pretty and that she was often told she looked like Carroll Baker, a famous Canadian country singer from back in the day. My mom was indeed a fair-haired beauty who, in this photo, has a movie star quality shining through.
Sadly my mother did not accept or embrace the shifts in her body and looks that came with aging and a tough life. I like to think in her later years perhaps she came to some peace with how she looked, but I don’t think so. I did appreciate that even though she often would make disparaging comments about herself when she saw photos, she still would still willingly participate and allow her photo to be taken at family events. In the last few years of her life, she even indulged me with a couple of selfies.
When I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to have some photos of myself professionally done for my website, I was both nervous and excited. As I have been on this journey of reclaiming my body sovereignty, coming to peace with photos has been a part of that reclamation. I see a photograph as a statement that I am willing to claim my place in the world. That I am worthy of taking up space. It is powerful stuff and I have come a long way. Still, like most of the work in this journey, it is ongoing and sometimes cyclical. These days I may still have some ‘cringy’ feelings when looking at photos of myself, but more and more there are times I can be appreciative, or even take delight in photos of myself.
For my big shoot, I obtained the services of Jennifer Lyons, a local photographer I connected to through Holistic Parent’s summer body-positive issue. I felt there would be a good chance Jennifer would be sensitive to my needs, and she was!. Jennifer was great. She chatted with me on the phone, checked out my website to get a feel for who I was. We made a plan for a shoot on a Sunday morning that would take place at my house, in my backyard and perhaps at the beautiful cemetery across the road from where I live. Jennifer wisely suggested I have a friend come and hang out for the shoot to help me relax and maybe even have some fun. I took her advice, and it was indeed….fun!
A few days later I received the link to the photographs and as I looked at them, the penny dropped. Visible belly rolls! Massive arms! Splotchy face, etc., etc. I fell into fear and careened toward devastation as my eyes blurred and I fell into old patterns of focussing on flaws, my mind mercilessly comparing my body to thin ideal. My heart sunk.
But I took a breath. I remembered the journey I’m on and the importance of this healing work. I remembered why I wanted these photos in the first place, the work I want to do. So, it was time to practice what I preach. First, I spent some time noticing and acknowledging the pain I was feeling. I let myself mourn, releasing the hope of a possible future body that sometimes still rears its ugly head. I intentionally paused and cared for myself. And then, I looked again at the photos. “Hmmm…maybe that’s just how I look like, and that’s okay.” And again. “Hmmm…I like how I look here.” And again. I kept coming back to them with an open mind and open heart and I’ve found my feelings begin to shift. Sure, I can still see what can be perceived as flaws, but what I see more now is the joy I experienced in the shoot. I see the light in my eyes that reflected the laughter and the fun. I see my goal of wanting to reach out to others in pain and offer hope. I see myself claiming space. And it is glorious.
If you are looking to become more comfortable with photos of yourself, I think one of the best things you can do is take some! Get a digital camera and take lots! Give yourself opportunities to see images of yourself. Do the selfie thing with your smartphone. You don’t have to show anyone or post on social media (unless you want to). This is something you are doing for yourself. Be sure to approach this work with mindfulness and heavy doses of self-compassion. If you feel this is just too scary of a thought or you would like to see how photos can be a tool for healing, a really great resource is an amazing online course called Be Your Own Beloved. This is an inexpensive, simple but very powerful exercise in learning how to use the tool of photographs/ self-portraiture to provide space for mindfulness and self-compassion offered by photographer Vivienne McMaster. I cannot recommend it enough.
You may wonder why is this step – the process of taking photos of yourself and looking at them (even if you never share them) so important. Consider how much of your day is spent looking at screens where the images of women you see are carefully curated to convince us that a body type representing 5% of the population represents all women. It only follows that if our body doesn’t reflect that cultural ideal, we can find it jarring and upsetting to view our own bodies in photos. We need to reprogram our brains to the reality that people come (and have always come) in a variety of sizes. Seeking out images of diverse bodies (see below for some suggestions) and make a point of looking at them on a regular basis can help break this internalization of the thin ideal. Feast your eyes on the diversity of beauty that is out there and you will find it easier to allow space to see your own beauty in photographs reflected back at you.
Thanks for reading…and remember to take loving care of yourself.
Sydney
Resources
To learn to see yourself with soft eyes:
Be Your Own Beloved: http://www.viviennemcmasterphotography.com/be-your-own-beloved/
To see more diverse images of people, here are a couple of places to start:
The Adipositivty Project: http://theadipositivityproject.zenfolio.com/about.html
Fat In the City: http://www.fatinthecity.com/
Also, check out the website of Jennifer Lyons, my lovely photographer:
https://www.jennydoesstuff.ca/
1 Comment
Kelly
This is so powerful, Sydney! So much food for thought. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
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