Since reading The Mindful Path to Self Compassion by Christopher Gerner, I have felt a shift in my ability to offer myself compassion when I am in pain. My relationship with myself has shifted, and I feel an easier access to the well of compassion within me, and more at ease in offering it to myself. Gerner’s book provides a clear distinction between loving kindness and self compassion, and the importance of actively welcoming both into my life. Although Kristen Neff’s book, Self Compassion (which is also highly recommended) highlighted Loving Kindness as a vital component of self compassion, somehow the distinction between the two didn’t click for me at the time, and my focus remained on being aware of my emotions and responding to my own pain and suffering with kindness. I thought if I was simply open to self compassion, loving kindness would also be there. But that’s not how I’m finding it works. Rather it is helpful to cultivate loving kindness towards yourself to be in a space where we can be self-compassionate.
Confused? Here is the understanding that I have come to. First of all, self compassion and loving kindness, though very similar and complementary, are two different things. Self Compassion is specifically a response we have to our own pain. When we are self-compassionate, we notice our own suffering, acknowledge it, and respond with love. Loving Kindness is a more generalized state of mind, a moment to moment opportunity to offer ourselves goodwill, not just when we feel bad or are in pain. These are opportunities we can take throughout the day to say to ourselves “I like you and I wish you well”.
It has been amazing what a difference it has made in my life to know that I generally wish myself well. I feel more at home with myself, calmer and safer. And when something painful does arrive, it is a much easier transition from being my own best buddy who wishes me well, to a loving caring friend who offers compassion and comfort. Does that make sense? Before I began to practice daily loving kindness, it was a bit more of a stretch to be able to respond to my own pain with compassion because I had to make the shift from someone who regularly self criticizes to responding with love to pain. A leap on the best of days.
So, how to do it? There are many books and resources on practicing loving kindness. The goal is to find ways to let yourself know that you generally wish yourself well. This about what you say and do for yourself. Self care activities are a fantastic opportunity to practice self kindness. Self care doesn’t need to be an expensive day at the spa. Do something that brings you joy. Draw, journal, play sports, video games, play a musical instrument, walk the dog. Anything you love to do. Be kind to yourself by giving yourself some “me time” each day. Another helpful way to show yourself kindness is to nurture your Inner Ally. We’re all familiar with the inner critic. It’s that little voice in our heads that’s quick to judge and is always ready with a put down. But the Inner Critic isn’t the only voice – you Inner Ally is also waiting to be heard. Your Inner Alley is your advocate and cheerleader, the one who knows you, accepts and cares for you. Be kind to yourself by cultivating your inner advocate (mine Inner Ally has a lot of faces, often she appears as a loving mother goddess figure).
In his book, Gerner suggest Buddhist Metta meditations, which are phrases we can repeat that help us cultivate benevolence.
May I be safe.
May I be healthy.
May I be happy.
May I live with ease.
You do not have to be engaged in a formal meditation practice to make use of the metta phrases. I have found bringing these phrases to mind before I got to sleep, when I wake up, during my morning meditation, on my morning walk, during my yoga practice…whenever it occurs to me during the day, has been an amazing thing for me. I feel friendlier toward myself. I also like to take this message of love and peace outward beyond just myself and shift the mantra to ask for safety, health, happiness and ease for others. Maybe I might think of someone specific I care about, or someone who is suffering. Or I might send these thoughts of goodwill out to all beings. I have also created my own phrases to support my personal inner work, such as “May I trust myself”
Thank you for reading. I hope you find some insight and inspiration here that encourages you to explore how you might show yourself kindness on a regular basis and respond to your pain with self compassion.
May you be safe. Maybe you be healthy. And may you treat yourself with loving kindness.
Sydney